Wake Up Call

First of all, I finally decided to make this blog public. I realized that if somebody is going to take the time to sit and read what I have to say about my issues trying to conceive, there is no reason they shouldn't be able to. Originally I had set this to private, in hopes that I would soon become pregnant and could rejoice here without worrying about everyone finding out until I felt confident enough in the pregnancy to share the good news. So I am asking with all of my heart that if you are a reader, PLEASE keep what you read to yourself. I am not sharing all this for it to be spread around like wild fire. Rather, I have found it very therapeutic to write, hence the existence of this blog.

Now onto why I'm really writing today...

Today is cycle day 40! Still no period, and all signs that she was on her way are gone. I'm trying to stay as calm as possible about this, but that is easier said than done. I have taken 3 pregnancy tests... all of them Big Fat Negatives. While I was in college, every semester around finals I would skip a cycle (I'm assuming due to stress) but would bounce right back to normal the next month. I'm putting all of my sanity into this logic, but in reality I am scared to death that something has suddenly changed with my body. No positive OPK's (ovulation prediction kit) for 2 months, and now a no-show period. It could be possible that I am becoming a hypochondriac after the numerous hours I spend googling, but I just want to know that I will be able to conceive a child someday (preferably soon).

Lately, all of this has really been weighing heavy on my heart and mind. I feel as though all of this is beginning to have a negative impact on my marriage. I am always either mad or sad, and seem to always take it out on Kevin. I feel incomplete, which is not where I want to be. First of all, I need to come to an understanding that even if we are never able to have children, I still have an amazing husband who will stand beside me no matter what. My marriage can not be effected by this, and so I have got to find a way to stop letting this get me down. It will be a wonderfully happy and rejoiceful day when we do get pregnant, but for now I am going to be focusing on my happiness and how wonderful my life is just the way it is!

That being said, Kevin really impressed me today. This past week has been rather rough for me, and I know he is tired of watching me go to bed every night crying. The other day we got into it because he told me ,"These things take time...we just aren't one of the lucky couples who can get pregnant right away, but it will happen." I immediately blew up and felt like telling him, "Well DUH!" I think the phrase that really got to me was "these things take time". In my mind, I have put in plenty of "time" and feel that it should be my turn already! Then today, something must have hit him. Today he said something to me that made me realize maybe that little light bulb in his head finally came on. He told me, "Maybe its time we make an appointment with a doctor" OMG!! I have been trying to talk to him about this for weeks, but he seemed to just keep shrugging it off. Naturally, now that he has agreed to this, I am starting to freak out. Will the doctor even consider talking to us about this since we have not been "trying" for over a year straight (thanks to a miscarriage). Also, this is my first missed cycle, and I've read that usually they wont consider it an issue until 2-3 missed period. I know it can't hurt to just go in and see what we can find out, so I think I am going to finally suck it up and try to schedule an appointment for next week. If anything, I'm going to see if it is possible for them to do an ultrasound since I have been having constant pain in my right ovary for about 3 weeks now. It isn't a harsh or painful pain, more of a pinch that is just really annoying.

Have a wonderful weekend and I will update if anything "exciting" happens.