Too Much Free Time

With all of the anxiousness that is already boiling through my blood, it does not help in the least that I am stuck in a hotel room with nothing to do but sit in front of a computer and either Facebook stalk, chat on Coast Guard Wife/ TTC forums, or blog. Considering I have already posted TWICE today on my regular blog, I figured I needed to find something to write about over here.

But here is my problem... I am so bored I seem to only think about the same few topics over and over again.

1.) Money
2.) Jobs
3.) Housing
4.) Babies
5.) Sunday
(all simultaneously at the same time)

1.) Money- Kevin and I paid off all our credit cards today!! WOO-HOO!!! I will be the first to admit that Kevin and I have horrific credit. We both were stupid in college, took out credit cards, maxed them out, and didn't keep up with the payments. We have been making payments (on-time) for the past 2 years, and have only seen a very small dint in our debt. While Kevin was in A-School our whole plan was to save enough to pay everything off, and still be able to have a nice little "nest egg" in our savings account. Today, we were finally able to achieve this. It is such a rewarding feeling. Although I know it will take time for this to show on our credit report, I am so thankful that the next 3 years we are in Kodiak we will be able to really build our savings/credit and possibly buy a house where ever Kevin is stationed next.

This has also been one of my constant worries when considering TTC. I knew that we would always be okay and would do whatever it took to make sure that our baby had everything that it needed, but I still stressed and wondered if it would ever be enough. And of coarse these thoughts lead me into the next constant thought...

2.) Jobs- I am to the point where I am willing to take almost any job I can find in Kodiak. Thankfully Kevin makes enough to cover all of our bills for the month, so whatever I can make will be put into savings, or used for emergencies/ bigger expenses/ trips/ etc. I also want to make sure that I have a job when we go through our first Kodiak winter which equals total darkness and very cold snowy/rainy weather (the perfect concoction for depression). But the under lying issues with this topic is what will I do once we have a baby? I have thought about continuing to work (more than likely part time) and just schedule it around when Kevin will be home so that we don't have to pay for day care. But the problem with that is I would never get to see Kevin... So then I wonder if it would be worth it to just put the baby in day care a few days out of the week, but Kevin is totally against day care, so that is pretty much out. And lastly, I can just not work at all and stay at home. Of coarse this is my ideal situation (and to be honest, it is Kevin's as well). But when I think about not working at all, I start thinking about topic #1 all over again! I don't want to have to use our savings to "survive" and to cover all the expenses of a baby. I guess this is one of those issues where we will just have to deal with it once the time actually arises.

3.) Housing- Not only am I extremely ready to move into our new "home" because I am sick of living in hotel rooms, but I wonder if the house we do get will meet my "baby friendly" criteria. Because we have Winston and Charlie, I feel like we need a house with a fenced in back yard. Neither of them can go out without a leash and not run off, so I don't know how it would be possible to have a baby and have to put two dogs on a leash to take them out (not to mention we will be living in ALASKA, so the baby wont be going outside very often). We have also seen that some of the houses are set up like apartments, with one unit on the bottom and one on top. I can't imagine myself lugging a car seat up a flight of stairs to get into my house! I just keep thinking we are going to get the worst possible house, although I know there have probably been several mom's who have had to deal with those same situations. I do know for a fact that there are some houses available that have a garage and a fenced in back yard... these would be PERFECT and I just keep praying that we will end up in one of these. It is already somewhat upsetting to me that we will be in a 2 bedroom house (they are more like townhomes/ duplex's), since I would love to have at least 3 bedrooms. We have all the furniture for a guest bedroom, but I guess once we have a baby, the nursery will have to include a queen bed as well. With this thought, when we do move into our new house, Kevin and I will be taking the smaller of the two rooms to leave more space in the "guest room/ someday nursery". If you can't tell... I think WAY too far in advance, but Hey...I like to be prepared!

4.) Babies- This one is pretty self explanatory, and is tied into all other thoughts that swish through my mind. I never thought that I would become so obsessed with becoming pregnant, but it's so hard when you want something so badly and can't just have it whenever you want. To keep myself "calm" and not get too worked up about everything I have to just keep telling myself, "you will get pregnant and have a baby someday". I hope and pray that it is someday sooner rather than later, and so for right now, I am trying to focus on being thankful that Kevin is home again and we are able to try again.

It blows my mind when I think of what some couples have gone through. Kevin's cousin and her husband tried to have a baby for TEN years! They finally got pregnant with twins on their 3rd round of invitro. Sadly, they lost one of the babies, but have a beautiful, healthy, one year old baby girl named Taylor. When I think about couples like this, it makes me wonder how long I will be willing to continue to "try". Kevin and I talked about this the other night, and have both decided that there is no way we could wait ten years to have a baby. We have talked about adopting, and have decided that if that is what we have to do to have a baby, we will do it. Of coarse I want to be able to experience the joys of being pregnant and carrying/ delivering my own baby, but at the same time I know that there will always be an empty place in my heart until we are able to change from Kevin and me, to a family of three (at least!).

5.) Sunday- This has been the day that I have been dreading for about 7 months now. It is what would have been my due date. It makes me feel awful to be dreading "Easter Sunday", but I just don't know how I will react. I have been trying to prepare myself this whole week, but how does one really prepare for an "empty" due date. Sunday will also be our first full day in Kodiak. It is going to be an interesting day to say the least, but I know that with Kevin's support, I will be able to get through it. Is it morally wrong to get shit faced on Easter? Just Kidding... or am I??

Thankfully tomorrow is the last day/night in Homer, and we will be getting on the ferry bright and early Saturday. We already have plans to meet with the guys that Kevin know on Saturday night, and I'm hoping to try a church Sunday morning. My goal is to stay as busy as possible after being a bump on a log for the past 3 weeks! We will get to talk to the housing office on Monday, so hopefully I will be able to report some good news on that topic early next week. It's nice to know that things are starting to pick up again, and we are almost back to "real life".