A Place To Be Myself...

After debating with myself for a while now, I decided to bite the bullet, and start a blog on my attempts at becoming a mother. For a while I talked about this topic (alot) on my day-to-day blog, but I have come to find out that more people than I anticipated, many of them not being "followers", have started reading it during our move to Alaska. There is a brief synopsis of my journey thus far over there to the right ---> but considering you need an "invitation" to read this blog, you probably already know the whole story. :)

So here goes... I'm opening up the book to my life, and turning it page by page for all of you to read. Don't get me wrong, the reason I am writing this is not to give you something to read while you are board at work, but instead a way for my to "release" my emotions. I have had to deal with some rather difficult situations in my past, and I will admit that I have even sat through a therapy session. The one thing that I took out of that experience was the fact that writing is one of the best forms of therapy. I didn't like sitting and talking to a stranger face to face about what I was feeling, but writing it all down and "getting it off my chest" was one of the things that helped me to cope.

This blog will be used to vent about my sorrows and frustrations, and to gloat about my glories and success when that time comes. I am asking that if you are a reader, please keep whatever you read to yourself. After my last pregnancy/miscarriage, I learned that it will be a long time before I ever announce anything, not only my word of mouth to family and friends, but especially via Facebook or my regular blog. The few people I have sent an invitation to are close friends who helped support me through my loss, and are the select few that I would tell no matter what, once I found out I was pregnant again.

So here goes... the first "real" post.

I have been keeping the majority of my feelings bottled up now for a while. With my move to Alaska I know that my mom and MIL (Mother-In-Law) have been keeping a close eye on my blog. Not that I don't want them to know what is going on, I don't want to deal with the phone calls making sure that I am okay. Like I said before, this is to help me vent, write, leave it all here, and move on.

March was an interesting month to say the least. Lots of different emotions whirling around in my head, and no real way of getting them all out (until now). First there was the fact that Kevin would be graduating from A-School. Due to all kinds of stresses with paperwork, I wasn't able to make it to his graduation (refer to my regular blog for more insight into this). On top of the emotional distress of feeling like an awful wife, my best friend Paige (I love you!) had her baby.

The week that she called to tell me she was pregnant, was the same week I found out that I was. It was such an exciting feeling knowing that we would be pregnant together, and our babies were exactly a month apart (She was due March 4th, I was due April 4th). Naturally when I had the miscarriage it was difficult. I felt an awful amount of jealousy towards her, and the other women who I had found out were pregnant as well. I had 5 friends all pregnant at the same time, and to see their pictures on Facebook of their growing bellies or ultrasounds made me want to get rid of Facebook all together. After time, things got easier. I wasn't so mad or jealous, but there still is that hole in my chest where I tend to shove all of those emotions and just try to ignore them. On March 5th I sat in a hospital waiting room with the majority of Paige's family and waited for the arrival of her baby, Tatum Jeanes. I am so thankful I was able to share that experience with Paige, and to be completely honest, I am hear broken that I will not be able to experience being an"aunt" to Tatum, and watch her grow.

Which brings me to the next cluster of emotions. On March 14th, Kevin and I left Texas, and began our journey to Kodiak, Alaska. Although I am extremely excited to have my husband back and that we are starting a new adventure together, it feels like we are worlds away from everyone that we love and are close to. I know that we will meet new friends and "adopted" family members (just like the Cunningham's in Maryland), it is just an adjustment that is difficult to deal with when it takes 21 days to reach our new home, and even then, we don't know if we will have a "home" to move into right away.

And lastly... the TTC emotions. This was the first month since the miscarriage that Kevin and I were able to really try... aka- give it our all. I went out and bought a pack of Ovulation Prediction Kits (OPK's) from Wal-Mart. In a typical box, there are 7, which is enough to test the week you are anticipating ovulation. I began taking the tests on Sunday, March 7th, which was the day after Kevin got back home. I took all 7 and never got a positive. When the tests ran out, it was time to hit the road, so I didn't mess with buying anymore. For the most part we "tried" every other day for about 2 weeks. I never did get the signs of ovulation (change in cervical mucus) but I just figured with all of the stress and change I was going through, the signs just may not have been as obvious. My period was due on March 25th, so the day before I took a pregnancy test. I had been having severe pain in my boobs, which was the dead give-a-way that I was pregnant last time. I was almost positive I was pregnant, and when I got a negative pregnancy test I didn't believe it. I didn't get upset, I just seriously thought, "this thing is lying to me...I must have tested to soon". So I waited another 3 days...still no period, and I took another test on March 28th. Still Negative. This time around it was much harder to swallow. I was still experiencing very sore boobs, and small tings of pain on my right ovary. Immediately I began thinking the worse, and start assuming that I must have a cyst, or something is wrong with me. When I woke up March 29th the pain was much worse, and I started heading to the computer to look up doctor's in Anchorage. When I went to the restroom a few minutes later, I was shocked to find out that my period had started. It was a huge mix of emotions. I was glad that I had started, making it possible to try and track ovulation for April, but it was a huge pill to swallow when hit with the realization that I was indeed not pregnant. I know that I can't anticipate becoming pregnant our first month of trying again, but with the signs my body had been giving me, I had really gotten my hopes up. For the most part I'm trying to stay positive and not get too discouraged or stressed out. I know that our time will eventually come, but I never thought getting pregnant could be so hard.

In the mean time, I am anticipating our arrival to Kodiak and getting acquainted with the town. I am hoping to get into the gym ASAP, and start eating healthy again. I am determined to get my body as healthy as possible, to provide the perfect home for a growing baby when the time comes. So until then... I will be trying to keep my sanity under control since I am stranded in a small rinky-dink town in Alaska until Saturday! You can expect lots of blog posts, and Facebook stalking.