Realization

After venting and having a pity party last night I'm feeling much more revived today. I talked to my mom for a while today, and was slightly frustrated when she started in on the whole "maybe if you stop stressing over getting pregnant" hoop-la, but what can I do... she's my mom. And to make matters worse, she told me that she didn't think she would be able to come visit this summer. In part, due to her financial situation and how much plane tickets would cost for her and my sister to fly up here, but also because she wants to wait until I become pregnant. Her exact phrase was, "I keep waiting for the phone call when you tell me that your pregnant to decide when I will come, since I want to see you while you are pregnant." Ouch... I mean, I'm so glad that she will make the effort to come see me during the pregnancy, and I know she will do everything in her power to get here right after the baby is born, but what if it is another 6 months to a year before I do become pregnant. **Mental note... Stop stressing over this kind of stuff...it hasn't even happened yet!**

Which brings me to my next point... I really do believe that I have become slightly obsessed with this entire issue and think that it may be playing a part in why I have not ovulated (as far as I know). As I started really considering what could be causing my lack of ovulation, I started to realize that I have been stressed out big time lately! I thought it was mainly all the stress of the move, but it all started way before that.

I think the major stress came on when I was having issues with my medical clearance to move to Kodiak. Once that stress passed, I was upset because I missed Kevin's graduation, I was stressed about the thought of the move, and was extremely emotional since I would be leaving everyone I love (besides my husband). Once we got on the road I thought the stress had ended, but yea right! We drove through awful conditions, I stressed about the possibility of the car breaking down, a hotel losing our reservations, running out of gas in the middle on Canada, etc. Once we got on our last ferry I thought my stress would really be over then... Nope! Once we arrived in Kodiak it was a constant stress about when would we move into our house, would we get the house we liked, when would our household goods get here, when would Kevin's truck get here, etc. A few days went by,we moved into our house, got Kevin's truck and our household goods, and all seemed well. But then I started to stress and worry about how long would it take for me to meet friends or to find a job. As you can see... lots and lots of stress! I guess tonight was the first time I really realized that I have probably been really hurting myself and my body worrying about all of this so much.

Thankfully I feel like I have finally reached a point where I can stop stressing. We have our house, it is unpacked (for the most part), I have met some wonderful people, and I got a job offer today! WOO HOO!! It feels like everything is finally falling into place! And I can honestly say that I feel very blessed, and that God has had a hand in every one of these great things. It is very uncommon for someone to come to Kodiak and move into their house and receive all of their household goods/vehicle in less than a week (we were prepared for a months wait). Not to mention I was able to get a job after being here for only 2 weeks! When we moved to Baltimore, it took me 3 months to find a job and to meet 1 friend. It has been such an easy transition, and I thank God for that.

It really is pretty funny how God works (at least in my life). Right when I feel like I absolutely can not take one more thing, everything seems to fall into place, showing me that what I thought was so bad, really did have a purpose. I'm still trying to figure out why he put me and Kevin through a miscarriage, but I'm sure one day it will hit me. When we decided to put Kodiak, Alaska as our first pick for places to move I was thrilled. The thought of living in Alaska just seemed so exciting and fun. As the time came closer, I really started having second thoughts. I was scared out of my mind, and thought that Kevin and I had made a huge mistake! I kept telling myself that there was some reason God was sending us here, and I just needed to find it. I'm sure as time goes by (3 years to be exact) there will be several situations that will slip that light on where I know this is why I am here, but there is already a situation at hand that I feel may be the reason.

In my post last night I was venting about a guy from Kevin's school who's girlfriend was pregnant. Kevin absolutely does not like this girl and does not get along with her at all. Mike finally saw what most people did, realized she was a little crazy, and ended it. I have come to love Mike... he is a sweet guy, who is willing to fight for his baby at the age of 21. I don't know many 21 year old guys who would chose a baby over the bars. I found out today that Kevin talked to him a little more about the issue, and is helping him work through it. A little side note... Kevin and Mike didn't get along that well in school because of the crazy girl, but have worked through it and I think Mike really looks up to Kevin now. One of the biggest issues with Mike being able to fight for custody is the fact that he is stationed on a cutter (big boat) that is gone for 3 months at a time. Today he found someone who works at the communication station (where Kevin works) who is wanting sea time, and is willing to switch stations with Mike. This would mean that he would work the same schedule as Kevin, letting him come home every day. At this point, nothing is set in stone, but if he is able to make this switch, it will give him an advantage when it comes time for the custody battle. But the thing that gives me goosebumps, and makes me think that maybe this is one of the reason we are here, is the fact that Kevin told him that he could use us as his "child care provider" while he is at work. What this means is when they start the investigation, they will ask him what he plans to do with the baby while he is at work, especially since some rotations he will work overnight and the child development center (day care) on base does not watch children over night. His answer to this question will be US. Kevin will be able to make sure that they are not in the same section, so that he will be at home and will be able to watch the baby while Mike is at work. I told Mike the other night that Kevin and I would do everything in our power to help him out, and it makes me love my husband 10 times more to know that he is stretching his neck so far out for him. It amazes me that he is willing to watch someone else's baby on his off time from work (I will be there to help obviously). It shows me that Kevin wants a baby just as much as I do, and as selfish as it may seem, just getting to hold and love on someones baby is good enough for me at this point.

Please keep Mike and his situation in your prayers. I'm not sure what is going to happen with all of this, and it is still so early on that it will be a while before anything is decided, but it really has me wondering if this is one of the reasons we were brought to Kodiak with Mike of all people. Whether it is to help him with his baby or just for moral support, I know that we were put in his life for some reason.