Vision

When I was 5 years old I started imagining what my wedding would be like. Although my vision (and taste) may have changed slightly within the next 17 years, for the most part, imagining what my big day would be like was the most fun of all. Thinking about that big white dress, veil, and my future husband (he changed with my age as well) was what I would day dream about while swinging in our backyard.

TTC is similar to this. I can remember playing with my dolls when I was a little girl, and my family making comments about what a wonderful mother I would make based on how well I treated my "baby". As I got older, and started swaddling my cousins instead of dolls, the comments felt more real. It was like I knew that I was meant to be a mother from a very young age. I never did envision what my family would be like, until I accomplished my first vision, which was my wedding. I was ready to start trying for a baby the day after I was married, the only snag in that plan was my dear sweet husband. After 6 months of marriage I finally got to him, and he agreed that he too was ready for a baby...SUCCESS!! I immediately began to vision what our baby would look like, what we would do on weekends with our new addition, how to fur-babies would handle a new brother or sister, and so on. But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would take so long to achieve this vision.

The big difference between envisioning my wedding and my family is that I was never worried about not getting married. I always knew that I would find my Mr. Right and we would have the most magical wedding, and we would live happily ever after. I also never thought that I would have an issue having a baby...but here we are. And the scary part is I am starting to feel like the vision of my family is drifting further and further away. For those of you who are in the TTC phase as well, I'm sure you know this feeling I am describing. It feels like it is beyond my grasp, and I am starting to feel as though it will never happen.

I know that I am just feeling frantic because I am starting to realize how long it has been since we got pregnant last time, and since the miscarriage. I still can't believe that we conceived in July of 2009... and it is now May of 2010 and we are still empty handed. How am I going to feel when July rolls around and I still have nothing to show but a Big Fat Negative- an entire year later?

I know I know... enough with the pity party! The main reason I have been forced to deal with these emotions is because I finally made myself watch this past Sunday's episode of Army Wives. My best friend from Baltimore, Courtney, called me Sunday night telling me not to watch it without Kevin because it was going to be a "rough" one. Let me interrupt to say that I love you Courtney! She was the only friend I had in Baltimore to lay in bed and cry with me. I will always be forever grateful for her and her friendship. But anyways...I knew what to expect because of the previews I had seen, and I had been putting it off for a night that I needed a good cry (which ended up being tonight). If you aren't familiar with the show, one of the wives just found out that she was pregnant. She has two previous children with two different men- neither of which is who she is married to now (she's not as trashy as you would think!). Her husband has adopted the two boys, but has been begging her to try for a baby of his own. Well, as you can guess, in this episode she ends up having a miscarriage. Watching her go through the "pain" of the loss was like reliving what I went through. It is a pain that I would never wish on my worst enemy. And to make everything a little more interesting, in the preview for next week it shows one of the other wives telling her husband she is pregnant. Hmm...always a difficult situation.

BUT...

On the upside... I am officially on cycle day 5 (the end of my period) which means I am just waiting on ovulation at this point! I wont be doing OPK's and temping has not gone as smoothly as I was hoping, so this month is going to be all natural...and I'm okay with that! I'm leaving this month up to God and trying to "force" perfect timing (lots and lots of you know what!).